My Christmas Spirit xxx

Helloo everyone!! sorry been off for a while, had lots of christmas shopping etc to do!! :)
So this time last year i was at my lowest weight, depressed and very close to losing everything i loved. All i can say is what a difference a year makes!! Now all the elements of my life that were falling apart have been glued back together...WITH FOOD :P
I think it was this time last year i realised i really really had a problem, i mean i knew a while before but my determination blinded me..but it was last december i was so underweight it was very difficult to get out of bed, and life simply had no meaning other than controlling my calorie intake....which is incredibly depressing.

Christmas saved me last year...

...because i realised that food is not only essential, it brings familys together and encourages us all to see that the people we love are whats important, and if your worrying about those pigs in blankets and the roasted potatos..then your missing it. I remember eating quite well (for me at the time) that christmas, my belly was the fullest it had been in months and i finally felt a pang of happiness,, i think that was the mental point when my recovery wanted to start,, but my real recovery started in january...anneversiary coming up :D so excited!!

If anyone has any suggestions on what celebration cake i should make (yes im going to bake my cake and eat it) then let me know your ideas!! thanks love you lot!! xxxx

Food Review! - Time Out Chocolate Bar (Cadburys)

What is that special something that brings back childhood memorys? Maybe the smell of your grandma's cooking, or that little park you strolled around as a kid, or maybe that chocolate bar you used to mindlessly chomp on after that long walk in the park....for me that was a cadburys 'Time Out'
I LOVE these things and its literally been YEARS since i last had one, beyond perfect with a warm hot drink like milky tea or a latte :) So i have had a loooong tiring monday, school work getting heavy and amount of sleep is becoming minimal :( so my mum treated me to a bit of chocolate from the shop, and then i saw it, my good old friend 'Time Out' - perfect name ey?! ;-)
So i got home, into my PJ's (don't judge) with a warm cup of tea and my time out. It was as delicious as i remembered, even more so! And the best part is, theres TWO BARS! :D lol - It's a long thin stick, which is basically a light, ever so slightly malty crisp wafer wrapped in a thin layer of perfectly balanced sweet cadburys chocolate, but the best part is, in the middle of the wafer is a gorgeous rippled centre of smooth chocolate, that is AMAZING once you have quickly dipped it in your tea :p best way to describe it is like a cadbury flake within crisp wafer dipped in more chocolate (drooool) The two bars were happily munched within 5 minutes and the best part is if you want to savour the bar longer just eat the other half later! If you can that it haha - but really, its a very understated chocolate bar, and well worth a go! I am slowly getting through my chocolate, my fear of it has practically vanished but i still limit myself a bit, simply because its not that great to be munching on endless chocolate bars everyday :P but there will be more to come i promise!!

Healthy weight :) finally!

Hello everyone! I am very pleased to announce I am now officially in the healthy weight category. Still only just but all the same I'm classed as healthy! The best part of it is I still feel very slim, my thigh gap has just about disappeared but I have been doing lots of bikeriding and muscle working exercises recently an my stomach is flatter than it's ever been when I was at my lowest weight! I feel so much better and now I'm getting compliments all the time! I used to get so frustrated when I starved mysel to look extra good for a party then no one said anything, of course I didn't realise at the time is that they didn't say anything because I looked like I was about to collapse :-/ just thought I would let you all know :) xx

Seeing the Therapist..

Hello all! Well as some of you may know, at the beginning of my recovery i was 'recommended' to a psychologist, who was a HORRIBLE man who must have been going through a rough time in his personal life because he was letting out all his aggression on me...he. was. horrible.
Now i'm not saying DONT go to a therapist, but for me personally i felt he was holding me back and by 'addressing' my problems made me feel awful about myself and made me want to restrict all over again, he was ctually creating 'problems' but anyhoo, i dropped him ages ago and have been gaining very well ever since!
Just to prepare you, the therapist may not be what you expect, he wont be a nice old small bloke with glasses who is going to listen to all your problems and speak softly and talk through ways in which you can improve...he might, but then he might be like mine...EVIL MARTIN.

He looked me up and down with disgust and then fired questions at me one after the other like 'why are you doing this to yourself' and 'your going to die if you do this for another week, what would your family think?' and 'are your parents divorced?' It was worse than opening up to my mum and dad about it! He was an awful man and he didn't help me at all, (but as always there's a big) HOWEVER i'm happy i went, because it made me stand up for myself, the same way i had to stand up againt anorexia, i basically told him to go f**k himself and i could do it on my own, im not sure how much of doing that gave me the strength to do it, i know i wanted to prove the bast**d wrong, but remember the only person your really recovering for is yourself, only YOU will know if you are recovered or not, no scale, therapist or doctor can tell you your recovered, do it in your own time and pace and i promise you will get there xxxxxxxxxx
< martin the arseface. lol :P

New world, new perspective, new life

Helloo! So I'm back from my holiday and I have to admit I've been back for a while and completely forgot about my blog! My eating disorder feels like another world away I haven't counted calories for so long and my weight is healthy and stable without thinking or trying to keep it that way...I have got to one ofthose stages in my life where concentration and dedication is important, to be perfectly honest I don't have time to worry about food, too much else to worry about! I'm very aware of how hard this may be to some of you, but the best advice I could ever give you is to stop counting calories all together and then eat when your hungry, that my friends is a normal lifestyle and the sooner you stop counting calories the sooner you can move on with your life and be whatever you want to be, and nit be defined as that girl who has food issues, no one wants to be her! Try it for a week and see how you cope, if you do it let me know!! Xxx

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Hello all! I'm off on holiday today!! :D very excited bcause for the first time i'm going buisness class (ooooh!) reallly looking forward to it :) i will be back in just under 2 weeks and will tell you all about Australia when i'm back :)
I usually HATE plane food, i swear i'm actually very ill after i have eaten it :( i am used to those freezing cold bread rolls fresh from the freezer and those AMAZINGLY salty microwave style goop they call 'meals' (not that i'm a food snob or anything ;) but this time i get REAL cutlery and a 3 course menu!! :) so i get a real choice of good food hehe, reeeeaally looking forward to the whole experience, i will tell you all about it when i get back, and if were lucky, i may finally be able to upload my own pictures onto my blog! (i'm not very good with all this teChnicHal stuff :p) have a great couple of weeks stay strong :) xxxxxx
 Going to be a loooooong journey!

Food Review! - Rachel's Organic Vanilla Yogurt

So i felt like a dessert after dinner and thought i would nip to the shop for a little something, maybe a microwavable syrup sponge cake or a reliable ripple bar ;P but felt like something cool and creamy, was going for the tinned ambrosia custard when this vanilla yogurt caught my eye, low fat you say? Bugger, off limits! Not allowed to buy low fat anymore! Althouuugghh, it dooeess look rather yummy, maybe just this once? OH MY LORD ITS GOOD! I usually hate fat free yogurts, watery and (although i love sweetner) in fat free yogurts just tastes terrible! This yogurt is low fat, creamy, organic and tastes really vanillary and smooth..i had it with strawberries and some maple and pecan granola...pure heaven! look out for it, its incredibly tasty!

No Regrets

The title to this post may seem strange, but hear me out! I am not saying that i am happy with myself for having an eating disorder, being a complete bi*ch to my family, almost killing myself and destroying my relationship...HOWEVER it has taught me so much about myself, food, diet and life in general! I have also met so many incredible people along the way, people who have gone through/ going through eating disorders themselves but have still managed to support and guide me through my worst days, i honestly couldn't have done it without them, and in return they have told me that having conversations with me has helped them too, which makes me feel so much stronger and better about myself :D I honestly think a big part of recovery is regaining confidence again, you need to be very confident in yourself to be able to be confident in your new body.
I have recently come across a new friend (woop!) and she too has suffered from anorexia, she has a great blog (link here > http://misswonderfulhere.wordpress.com/) which is very similar to mine, in that it talks about her day to day life wit recovery and good ol' chit chat too! I was sooo pleased and proud to read her post about the gorgeous galaxy cookie crumble, she took my advice and bought her favourite chocolate bar - a HUGE step, especially to those who forbid themselves chocolate all together! Well done to her for taking that step forward!! I must admit i too have a couple of ripples stashed away in my room waiting to be eaten, i deprived mself from chocolate for so lon i have got used to not eating it, and don't crave it very often, i'm much more of a savoury person (hide the cheese!) but i love that they are always there if i want them hehe!
I love meeting and talking to new people and being so open about what i and they have been through, so in that respect i have no regrets :)
 

What will save YOU?

There are many things that can be generalised about anorexia and people who suffer from an ED, but I think the reasons behind why it started etc are very individual to each and every one of us, which is why I also think ways of recovering are different for each o us too! I have found that my way of dealing with it is simply seeing how much better my life is when I eat, I'm much more sociable and to be honest, much nicer to be around! I read this article a while ago and wanted to share it with you, it's about a woman who discovered her own personal cure for anorexia was making cupcakes :) and by soon this, she beat her fears of food, but more importantly, broke her fear of eating it! Recovery is never simple black and White, but I think once you have found the thing that drives you forwards, it gets a whole lot easier! Maybe make some cupcakes today? See how it affects you!!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-1316523/This-life-Nicola-Hobbs-passion-helped-recover.html

We live in the Dietin Century!

In the Elizebethan era, food was a sign of wealth, the fatter the were the more weath and health you appeared to posess, it's clear that this was not good for the health because it was a diet stuffed full of fats, red meats, and more meat! they didn't seem to understand the importance of a 'varied' diet lol, in the 60s tv dinners became the new trend, quick and fast was all the rage, but again not too great for your health...we however are the diet generation, EVERYWHERE you look there is focus on dieting and losing weight, i think this is because we have evolved to over eat, and now many of the worlds population in richer countries are obese, but this incredible focus on diet has left a distorted and damaging affect on society in general, the normal weight society especially! I think it's great that theirs health tips out there, but i now feel a lunch consisting of more than 300-400 calories is too much, but actually thats only for those who are on a strict diet...if you are eating to maintain you need more, but because their is so much focus on losing weight in magazines etc, you obviousily compare your own diet to the ones in that of the newspaper or magazine, and think it should be similar - IT SHOULDN'T BE IF YOU ARE MAINTAINING! it should be more!! - sorry i was reading Now! magazine and this irritated me haha, my general aims are...

breakfast - 400 calories

snack - 100-200

lunch - 400-500

dinner - 600 - 800

then if i'm still hungry i will have some nuts, a cereal bar, fruit or a smoothie or something to keep me satisfied for the next morning, i know that may seem like a lot but actually it's a very normal amount, and what we should be eating to stay healthy, it seems a lot because articles we read today are aimed at weight loss, never compare yourself to general society, only you know what you need, eat when your hungry and eat a varied diet and NEVER deny yourself on certain 'fear' foods and you will lead a long a health life :) xxxx

Chocolate Review - Mars Galaxy Ripple

Helloo :) okay i have decided one of the best things to do for my own personal recovery is to eat more of my fear foods, and i feel even better about eating them if i give you alla review afterwards! So that way you can get an idea of what foods are sooo good that you would be crazy not to eat them ;) i always try and get the point across that building up your body in the right and healthy way is very important in recovery, eg with fresh fruit, veg, nuts and protein, however it's also about beating your minds grasp on your views of food, like me and my fear of chocolate!
Anyhoo back to the point of my post for today! The glorious galaxy ripple chocolate bar (drools) for me i think the best possible way to describe this bar is the best sweet, smooth chocolaty hit in bar form possible! I like the long, elegant shape of the bar and the fact that it has a coating (unlike cadburys messy flake!) and i tink the 'ripple' effect makes it a really unique and tasty treat :) i remember this was the first chocolate bar (my mum bought me) during my first stages of recovery i could eat, i watched sweeny todd and just remember embracing it :) in fact, i think i'm going to nip to the shop for one right now as an after dinner treat :)
< nom xxx

Take out panic!!

I wondered today if i will ever get over that horrible panic when my mum says were having take away or pizza tonight - my heart starts racing and i'm not sure what to do to get out of it, then i remember i can eat take out, i WILL enjoy it and i WILL only eat until i'm full, no binging. So i am having indian takeaway tonight - (this one used to scare me the most, so oily!) here are a few 'safe' options i always choose for take aways....
Indian- tandoori chicken, tandoori prawns or vegetable balti, dhal and chickpea based dishes with boiled rice and NO naan

Chinese - chicken and sweetcorn soup, king prawn with ginger, vegetable soft noodle, avoid egg fried rice and prawn crackers

pizza - thin crust, extra veggie toppings, or plain with black olives (i also love anchovys but i don't think anyone else does! ;)

Fish and Chips - okay sorry, no avoiding anything in this! lol best option is attempting to take as much batter of the lovely cod fillet as you can and just enjoy the chips!

Tryand avoid creamy based dishes and those 'little extras' like naan bread and garlic bread - thats where a lot of the un needed calories come from,

these are just some tips to help you through having a take away and being able to enjoy it knowing you have picked one of the best options!

Delicious Nutritious Chocolate Mousse!

I'm not sure if i have mentioned this already, but i actually suffered from orthorexia before full blown anorexia, which meant i had a huge fear of ANYTHING 'bad' like cake and chocolate, then as the anorexia took over pretty much all food was 'bad' apart from fruit :-/ so when a lovely friend of mine gave me this recipe i was thrilled at how delcious and healthy it was :) I swear its just like REAL chocolate mousse!! But creamier ;) it's stunning i can'tthank her enough for sharing it with me!
you will need...
1 avacado - ripe (don't be scared, its full of good fats!)
1 mango - ripe and juicy
4 teaspoons of cocoa powder
(you can also add your own form of sweetner if you like it a little more sweet, aka honey or sugar - i used sugarfree vanilla syrup :)
then chop into small peices and blend into a food processor until the mixture is smooth and creamy
ENJOY!
Thanks again to my friend for the recipe, she is an inspiration to us all, plus she got me eating avacado again bless hr XD lol much love xxxxx

Cherrie's Body Dilemmas - BBC Three

I don't know if anyone else has beeen watching this small series, but i love the presenter of this show, i think she's so funny, but Cherrie basically goes around the UK and talks about issues that seem to affect us all and how it can vary depending on the area and the person, she has done a few episodes, one was on motherhood and the most recent which i was interested in was the body dilemmas episode.
Amazingly the program didn't talk much at all about anorexia or eating disorders, although it did mention that women these days do seem to have much more of a calorie obsession that they used to, i found this program incredibly uplifting because she met up with girls who want to be bigger and are much happier that wa because they are accepting themselves, there was this gorgeous, funny girl who created this fashion blog for bigger girls and saidthe most incredible thing ever....

'This is my body, not theirs.' - Makes complete sense dosent it?! It is so stupidly clear to me now, i can't envy models because my body is not their body, all you need is to be happy with your own body and trust me, to be happy the best thing to do is make sure your healthy, being underweight and mal-nourished does not equal happiness!!

Here is a link to a general summary of the show, i think you can still watch it on BBC iPlayer because it was on recently, but depending on when you read this post that ay not be the case anymore lol!
 http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/bbcthree/2011/08/body.shtml
 < plus cherrie's baby coco is GORGEOUS!! Beyond cute haha - enjoy the show! x

Scented Candles - appetite suppressant? Experiment!

Anyone who knows me really well knows i LOVE incense sticks, scented candles, oil burners, relaxing music, dreamcatchers the whole hippie sha-bang!! lol well i bought a new candle today, switched to 'citronella' from my usual vanilla. And i honestly think it could have appetite suppressing qualitys?! I don't seem to feel hungry at all in my room, but when i went to the bathroom the room smelt different and i felt hungry, i went back into my room and the overpowering lemony smell seemed to suppress my appetite instantly!? I am not promoting this AT ALL but hey it's kinda cool ;) haha xxx anyone else LOVE burning candles? what's your favourite smelling candle, care to share in the comment box below, i would be very gratefullll!!! xxxxxxxxxx

Sardines - healthy heart food

My favourite food is fish. Shellfish, smoked salmon, smoked haddock, cod, sardines you name it and i love it! So for lunch the other day i cooked up a little something all fish lovers would like, its a very salty and savoury dish, and hey salts not good for you but dang it makes food taste sooo guurd!! anyone else like salt and plain pasta? lol well i found a tin od sardines in the cupboard the other day and decided to make my own little pasta sauce :) i used....
1 mini pot of salsa as the base (honestly i do this a lot its genuis haha)
1/2 a tin of sardines in brine
chopped aubergine (eggplant) about 50grams
1/4 of a small white onion
handful of capers (or green olives - if you don't like the taste you can leave them out, i have only just got used to them!)
thyme (2 tsp)
0regano (2 tsp)
salt and pepper to taste (i love pepper)
dry pasta (i used fusilli pasta)
put the pasta in a pan with water and let it come to a boil, then bring down the heat and let it cook for as long as te instructions say, -(usually 10-12 minutes for small pasta)
cook the thickly chopped aubergine in boiling water first to soften it a bit then drain of all the water and put it in a saucepan with the other ingredients and just let it cook/simmer on a low heat for about 10-15 minutes! and voila! you have a spicy healthy pasta sauce that brightens up any ol' lnchtime!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/debbieharryxxx/6056110738/sizes/l/in/photostream/

Personal Update

Helloo all :) firstly want to say thank you to anyone who follows or even glances at this blog, i didn't expect ANYONE to look or pay attention to it lol, but the stats show that different people from all over the world are looking :D obviousily not good that so many are having eating disorders, but hopefully everyone looking is at least considering recovery?
Anyway, i have had a lot of support from so many of you, and it makes me feel so much stronger knowing you lot are backing me! :) I have gained more weight, but i actually don't know how much because i have made the descision to not weigh myself...it's not about that for me anymore, i will feel upset if the scales evidently go up, but thats because society has drummed it into our brains that gaining weight is ALWAYS a bad thing, but for me it's really not. By doing this i feel much more comfortable in my own skin, and helps me concerntrate on the mental side of things, which is muchmore important to deal with.
I have beaten so many of my own little 'rules' and i get 'better' everyday, eg- used to limit myself to 2 peices of fruit a day, now it's as many as i like, i now drink fruit juice and chocolate is finally back on the menu :)
I just hope that anyone considering/starting/goin through recovery knows that there is a way out of this, i swear recovery is like a tunnel, it looks so dark and long but once you start and get going the light at the end gets bigger and bigger....soon you will walk into it, just takes a little time and dedication xxxxxx

Low Calories, Low Nutrition?

I read an interesting article recently that i actually personally cannot relate to. It was all about teenage girls who try to lose weight by cutting the calorie intake, but sacrificing their health. eg - they will eat a bar of chocolate but skip lunch because it will add to their calorie intake...(can i just say if you do that, your body will hold on to the fat instantly and it will be much harder to lose weight) my own form of anorexia meant i didn't allow myself ANY chocolate, cake, sweets or anything tha wasn't fruit or in my view 'healthy' for about 7 months...so are you one of these girls who are depriving your body of fruit and veg to cut the calories? well let me tells ya, your waistline will NOT be happy with you in a few years, yes its less fun filling up on bananas, but if you want to lose weight in a healthy, happy way and KEEP it off, theres no other way i'm afraid xxxx
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2012803/Teenage-girls-junk-food-diet-leaves-starved-vitamins.html

Chickpeas - My new superfood!

I love these things :) plus they are a delicious source of protein! My favourite type of food is greek, i love stuffed vine leaves, mousakka, grilled halloumi and anything with feta cheese!
Chickpea's are commonly used in greek and moroccan foods, and are brilliant for vegetarians! Beacuse they help make a healthy, substantial meal! They are very filling, trust me! My favourite dishes with chickpeas are...
falafel - basically ALL chickpea! Plus spices, onion and parsley. But basically chickpeas smooshed together and lightley fried, now i know what your thinking FRIED?! I hate fried food to be honest, but i drain my falafel with kitchen towels when i have made them, in fact i'm making them tonight for dinner!

Falafel burgers < - i always prefer them to burgers?!

My second favourite use for these little gems is when my mum uses them in her gorgeous morroccan lamb stews :) yumm! She uses spices like cinnamon and paprika and adds chickpeas last minute for a little more depth and texture

< Morroccan Stew - Can anyone spot the chikpeas? ;) I counted 3 lol

Chickpeas are also a great addition to salads, and i like them with cous cous or grilled veggies such as aubergine (eggplant)

< red onion, tomato's and corriander are amazing with chickpeas as a side salad

Chickpeas nutritional value per 100g - 164 calories and 2.59g of fat

Eat up!

American Pie :)

Helloo everyone! I have arrived back from America! Still very jet lagged so if i spell stuff wrong or sound odd sorry! haha - i had an INCREDIBLE time, and feel like i have learned a lot about myself and the trip put a lot of stuff in perspective for me. I went with my mum and my sister (girly road trip!) and discovered we get on better than i thought, of course we argued a bit but most of the time we were always laughing and enjoying ourselves :)
I was so worried about my mum before we went, i was scared she was going to force taco bell down my throat and shout at me if i didnt want to eat something, it's so weird i still panic at the thought of fast food, but actually when it's in front of me, i'm fine with eating it and don't feel too bad afterwards, chocolate is the ONLY thing i still struggle with now, no baby ruths or hershy's for me! My mum was so good to me though, she always asked where i wanted to go and always made sure i was comfortable with the menu, but I ate well on holiday, and chose dishes in resturaunts that i WANTED and didn't even consider the calorie/fat amount in them. The best thing i had was this baked chicken covered in tomato cream sauce and tonnes of sharp cheddar on top of lemon risotto - not for the calorie concious AT ALL but worth it :)
I don't see myself as too thin anymore, but apparently everyone else does, i was suprised that in america i actually saw none of those stick thin girls in LA or anywhere, i didn't see many HUGE people either, i think my mind might have been ready for the sterotype! A lot of people commented on how scrawny i was, so i guess my mind still must be playing tricks on me.
I have learned so much about myself and my family on this trip, and i have again realised that food is important for life and enjoyment, you should take care of yourself and your body, but when the obsession with breakfast,lunch and dinner, chocolate and snacks seem to take over your life and your mind, you know you need to change, and start living again
long live the U.S.A! xxxx