Another DELICIOUS breakfast idea!! :D

My mum came back from ASDA with some special K sustain cereal, because she said the other ones were out of stock, but turns out its gorgeous!! 1g of fat per 45g serving which isn't enough for me anymore! so i mixed it with natural yogurt, flaked almonds and a little natural honey...honestly had a mouthgasm lol!! really worth trying, remember you need to start seeing food as enjoyable again!! Its so much easier to make a good relationship with food again when you really enjoy it!!! (might try with some chopped banana next time too?? mmmm yumm!!!)
< my new favourite haha

Go Sushi!!

I had sushi for lunch yesterday :) NOM!! lol...i had about 10 pieces or so overall and was STUFFED. It gave me an idea for todays post!! It was the first time in a while where i felt like i hadn't eaten much but got full quickly!
Sushi is a grrreeat healthy option, especially the ones topped with a slice of salmon or prawn, yum yum! hey the soy sauce has a lot of sodium but what the hell its yummy!
I think sushi is a great option if you want to try new foods, but can't face huge mac'n'cheese type meals yet...it's a groovy way to ease yourself in and might kindle your relationship with food back again! have fun, and don't listen to your mother PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD!! (especially if you can't use chopsticks ;) lol)

Books

Ever since i was little,i have always loved reading and writing, reading a book is amazing to me, it means you can escape from the rest of the world and ignore any problems you may have been having that day and just discover a new way of thinking. I love that, when you finish a book and then feel like you have learned something from it :) heres some of my favourites...
The Messenger - Markus Zusak, funny fast paced thriller about a guy unlucky in love and life, turns out anyone can make a difference.
Play Dead - Harlan Coben, another thriller!! about gorgeous supermodel who's husband goes missing, but so much more than that reeeaally going on!! :)

ahhh Harry Potter books!! by J. K. Rowling :) what better way to escape the world than by taking a visit to hogwarts?

Girls Under Pressue - Jacqueline Wilson , classic (for me lol) about ellie, who feels too fat so starts dieting like crazy and you follow her real and disruptive journey, but dont worry has a happy ending!!

Comfort Foods?

Heyy :) i realised something funny today, i never panic about having pudding at college? Everytime dessert is mentioned at home, calorie counting goes TING in my head, but at college i'm like, 'awrh come ooon, that's a tiny slice!!' hehe ;) i think because i have NO IDEA how many calories are in them, they brighten up my looong days at college, and their flipping delicious!! lol i don't struggle eating them? It made me think that maybe we all have foods that aren't low in fat or calories, but we find them easier to eat than others? For example, i still hate eating chocolate, really aggrivates me :/ working on that!! My advice is eat what you like, then you will find it easier, and won't regret it!
If you do have a certain food that isn't low calorie that you feel comfortable eating, maybe try and eat more of that food? might ease you in :) my comfort foods that i just DON'T CARE what the calorie content are...

School Puddings! lol
Stir frys - (peanuts are a good addition for texture, flavour and GOOD fats)
Beef Stew - mum makes the BEST ONE EVER lol
Greek food - such as chicken soulvlaki, greek salad, pita bread, tzatziki etc xxx

Vitamin Supplements

I take a multi vitamin everyday, and i also take iron tablets because my iron count is low down to how much ideprived myself before :-/ but it's going up :D lol
anyway, my post today is about taking vitamin supplements, yes i think it's a good idea, and it's wonderful for helping you with your recovery becauseyour body really really needs all those nutrients! However, to actually absorb all these vitamins you must must MUST eat a varied diet. And also one with good amounts of calories and fats in it, otherwise the vitamins simply won't be absorbed and won't make a difference i'm afraid :(
I have noticed my skin and hair has drastically improved, i think it's down to eating right and well, plus taking my good ol' multivitamin everyday!! lol have a lovely weekend everyone :) hopefully it's sunnier where you are than where i am...sigh have to get my vitamin D from a pill and not the sun :( xxxx

Always feeling Angry...(poem)

I first felt angry because i felt too fat.
I felt angry because i felt i couldn't lose weight.
I felt angry because i couldn't resist.
Then, I felt angry because i never ate.

I felt angry because no one understood.
I felt angry because no matter how little i ate i never looked or felt any good.

I felt angry because i looked too thin, couldn't fit into clothes...
couldn't let anyone in.

I felt angry all the time.
Then i ate...then i felt fine.

Random short poem i made, i realised today that i was so angry because no matter what, with anoreixa i never actually achieved anything worth achieving. Once you have lost all the weight, whats left? Nothing. That's the scary thing...

Life's too short...

I was thinking today how crazy it is to concerntrate on food sooo much? I have my A level exams coming up, and i was sitting there in the lesson thinking about lunch, i mean honestly i have wasted most of this past year just thinking about food, when it comes down to it, theres sooo much more to life, food is just meant to be the fuel that keeps us going. Yes i understand that having a job such as a chef would make you think about food more than the average person...but i'm not a chef!! lol From now on i promised myself i am going to throw myself into mywork (very behind :-/ ) and just get on with it, although food is your friend, not the enemy, it's not human either and shouldn't take up so much brain space! Think about that gorgeous boy that lives down the street or your favorite program! I don't know if anyone thinks about food as much as i do, but i'm trying to stop now...life's just too short!!

Your Amazing, and this is why!

The fact that you have even considered to look at this blog is one thing, even CONSIDERING recovery makes you incredibly strong. The only way to describe it is like snow white trying to defeat the hulk...i think recovering from and eating disorder is harder than people think, some say 'why don't you just eat.' That's ridiculous. These disorders are about the mind and (in my opinion) conquering your own mind is quite possibly one of the hardest things imaginable.
But possible.
You can recover from this, but you need to want to with everything you've got. Your amazing for taking this on, and i hope each and every one of you beat your deamons ass and find happiness again :)

                                                        

xxxx

Look it's you!! Not that your square or anything.....(bad joke sorry, couldn't resist lol)

How many Calories do you need?

I was so confused when it came to how many calories i was meant to be consuming per day, kept hearing so many different things! To be honest i still struggle to fully understand it all lol but this calculator i found on the internet and it seems to be the most accurate, i have been told things from 1,600 to 2,770 calories!! lol
http://walking.about.com/cs/calories/l/blcalcalc.htm
heres the link to the calculator i used, i got 1,770 to maintain, so i try to eat around 2,000 everyday to make sure i gain...hope this helps you get a better idea of how much you need!! xxx

Stop thinking about it...

At the start of recovery, i was told to keep a food diary and write down everything i ate and how it made me 'feel' doctors also told me to not concerntrate on food...contredictive maybe?!! lol so i did the food diary, but it drove me bonkers!! i think if you have any chance of recovering you need to not put so much emphasis on what you eat etc...i'm now at the stage where i can actually eat something and wait for it....forget i've eaten it :-O i haven't done that in a very, very, VERY long time lol
I have also figured out a way to handle high fat/calorie meals...for example yesterday for lunch my stepmum made heaps of pasta with a chicken and mushroom sauce made with extra thick double cream, when i saw that ad to say i panicked a bit...but you need to take it one step at a time. So had the plate in front of me, started eating, and it tasted good, then the grated cheese was passed around and i added some, i ended up having more cheese than everyone else AND ate some of my dads pasta :) step by step does the trick, and NEVER EVER FEEL GUILTY FOR EATING. your body deserves it now, it's been deprived for too long!! xxxx

Gain Muscle...not Fat

Gaining weight is the scariest thing possible for someone recovering from anorexia, it feels utterly unnatural, which is why it's better to gain muscle and not fat because then you will look, and feel better about gaining...and muscle weighs more than fat, so actually yourweight will be higher without you looking as big. Good foods to build muscle are, nuts and meat, this is because they contain protein which is essential for muscle gain. If your really struggling, the you could always pick up a muscle building powder that you can add to your porridge, milk or smoothies.
Annoyingly, building muscle can be hard work, and you need to dedicate yourself to excercising your muscles, but remember, if your excercising and trying to GAIN at the same time, you must eat more to make it mean anything. you must also avoid cardio excercises such as running and cycling, because they just burn fat and make you loose weight.
I must say i'm not too dedicated which is why its very frustrating when i eat LOADS but look like i'm actually losing weight but it's actually because i'm losing muscle that i made last week...need to start working out again hahaha
good luck everyone!! get those muscles pumping xxxx

Family xxx

I'm going away for a few days to visit the ol' family!! I haven't seen them in ages and i suddenly feel very nervous at the thought of them seeing me? Just because i have lost so much weight since they last saw me i dont want them too look at me in disgust and worry :-/ thats when you know you've gone too far...when people look at you with a look of disgust....although i've gained weight i'm still really thin and look a bit too gaunt.
I think you need to recover for yourself and for no one else, because in the end the only  thing that will get you through it is that you care enough about yourself to get better. But along the way i have realsied getting better and healthier also relaxes and puts my entire family at ease, i'm doing this for me, but the fact that i am stopping my family worrying at the same time is just another thing keeping me going :) anorexia is an isolated, selfish disorder...it's only once you start to break out of it you realise that xxx

Letting Go...

I have learned one of the things i must overcome to beat anorxia once and for all, i need to not be in control. It's been pretty hard these past few days to be honest because i have had to make my own breakfasts and lunches, (god i sound pathetic lol) but that amount of control is too much for someone in recovery...it meant my mind is thinking about food ALL THE TIME, what shouldi have for lunch? what has too many/little calories? what time am i having dinner? it's driving me insane...i still find it very hard to allow myself to go out without having eaten lunch i have made myself, because it means i'm either forced to get something when i'm out or nothing at all (which is NOT an option) and it's hard to find anything that isn't covered in grease or loaded with salt and fat. But i need to learn to let go...control is one of the things that really pins down my ED...and i just hate having it now, because i can't handle the control. My dad made me a B.L.T the other week, heavy with the bacon, mayo, and butter :-/ i almost exploded watching him make it, but i ate it and you know what...i'm still alive lol

< ok this isnt my dad lol but proves my point of someone else cooking!

Moral of this muddled post is, learn to let go and allow parents/friends/macdonalds guy to make you meals, it's one of the biggest hardest steps to make, but if your going to recover, your going to have to not be in control anymore.

Low Fat Food Facts

I swore by low fat yogurts, cheese and cakes if i ever allowed myself to eat them. But actually i have recently discovered eating these lower fat versions are much worse for you overall than the full fat kinds.
For one thing, they don't make you feel as full, so your inclined to eat more later, and you also allow yourself to eat more later because you think 'i'ts okay, the yogurt i ate before was low fat'
Another downside to low fat products is that things like yogurt and cakes replace the fat with heaps of sugar, which in the end converts itself into bad fats.

One of the most suprising things i found out though, was that high calorie, low fat diets make you look very bloated, and for a recovering anorexic this is lethal...you think your getting fat eventhough your eating low fat foods, which therefore makes you even more afraid of higher fat products and makes you avoid them even more...vicious cycle.

However, lean cuts of meat etc are often much better for you, but that just common sense!! lol

I also believe i appriciate what i'm eating more when it is full fat, because i ay more attention to it if you know what i mean? lol And lets face it, the full fat versions just taste better!!
But the most important thing about buying full fat and not lower fat versions for someone recovering from an eating disorder is that your making a concious step towards recovering, and with every full-fat bite, your kicking your ED's ass xxx

Emotional Eating Kit?

So i came across this product in my local holland and barrett,
 < it's Bach's emotional eating kit, and claims to stop cravings and make you have a better emotional outlook on food, and eating using herbal remedys and all natural products.... Sounds perfect right?!Question is does it actually work?...
So i tried it after i ate dinner, i had the Cherry Plum one which your meant to have when 'you fear your going to lose control' i dropped a few drops on my tounge, tasted quite nice!! and i can honestly say i think it worked, probably placebo because i'm stupidly gullible :p, the kit also contains chestnut bud and crab apple. The kit costs around £9.99
Overall i dont believe this product actually works, but tastes pleasant and will work if you believe it haha

Bulimia - The Harsh Reality

As i mentioned in my last post, bulimia is just one type of eating disorder. I wouldn't have personally classed myself as a bulimic before, but admittedly have binged and purged before, but it wasn't very often. I think i sufferered from anorexia much more. Anyway enough about me!! This is about the serious effects of bulimia, i have seen some videos on youtube which can only be described as horrific and shocking.

                                                                                  

Just some of the dangers of bulimia are, irregular heart beat, stomach rupture, stomach ulsters, dehydration and low potassium levels. Here are so links you may find helpful and interesting...
http://www.mirror-mirror.org/dangers-of-bulimia.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKld9ce76V0
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eating_disorder_self_help.htm

Buffets...make or break time.

As well all know, anorexia is not the only ED out there, there is also bulimia, and crosses between the two etc. Recovery for all types of eating disorders are difficult but for different reasons. Buffets for example, would be the ultimate challenge for a bulimic in recovery, the thing about many people with eating disorders, is they actually LOVE food, they just hate what it does to them, bulimics feel this the most. They eat and eat and eat and then purge it all up. This in my opinion is one of the most brutal eating disorders, and can be very hard to stop re-lapsing. but it's possible, trust me ;)
 < so many calories so little time...

Now when faced with a buffet it's hard because your expected to eat tonnes, i personally disagree with the whole idea of buffetts, but anyhoo the best thing to do is not get excited and drawn in by the food in front of you, like a wasp to honey!! because then you will get the 'clouded mind' thing where you just eat crazy amounts because it's there.
Try and eat something beforehand so your not starving when you get there, i know it sounds like extra calories surely but actually you will think more clearly and make better descisions if you have a decent breakfast or lunch beforehand.
Now, lets use a chinese buffett as an example, the best thing to do is....
skip all things like prawn crackers and starter stuff, they are packed with calories and you can just keep eating and eating them, they will surely make you feel guilty after wards :-/
go straight to main course and CHOOSE WHAT YOU WANT if you eat something you dont want you will get annoyed and end up eating the thing you wanted in the first place lol....just have half a plate of it then take your time eating it.
I say half a plate, so that you can go back (therefore look normal!!) and get the other half, maybe try a different food or get the same thing.
Also drink lots of water, sometimes your just thirsty when you think your hungry!!
IMPORTANT PART : (eventually hehe) if you feel like purging after this consider the incredible damage your doing to your body...but thats another post for another day...
hope these tips help!! sorry for the looooooooong post but feel this topic is important xxx

Supersize vs Superskinny

I am a big fan of channel 4, and all it's other channels like E4 :) one show i really like is supersize vs superskinny, the new series has started and is on every tuesday on channel 4 at 8:00pm.
as you can see from this picture, and can probably tell from the title, the show is about a big diet swap between one supersized person and one superskinny person. This show would be good to watch if your in recovery because it can make you see that you need to get the right balance between overindulging, and eating practically nothing!! There is always parts during the show where they look at what undereating and overeating is doing to your body, and how much it is damaging it...very interesting and worth taking a look at!!
Have a lovely week everyone xxx

Fear of Butter?...

This stuff used to strike fear into me like you couldn't believe! not sure which was worse, people drowning things in mayo or spreading the butter really thick. i thought pointless fat and calories!! but when your recovering these foods are a godsend for two main reasons...1. they help you gain and makes you satisfied and 2.eating them and enjoying and allowing yourself to eat it means one step closer to being normal :)

Cravings!!

I read a lot about food and nutrition when i was dieting to the extreme, (irony i know) and one thing i remember reading is that if you don't eat enough, or don't allow yourself certain foods, you start to crave it. I thought, HA i can go without chocolate for weeks on end, but actually i did crave it...i thought about chocolate, fudge, cake, biscuits and junk ALL THE TIME. Thats one of the disturbing things about eating disorders, you lose yourself and your personality because all you think about is food. I used to actually go on websites and just look at the delicious high calorie foods i wouldn't allow myself to eat, clearly not normal behaviour!!
Ever since i have been in recovery, i have eaten 3 big meals with good fats in everyday, and i can honestly say don't crave junk or chocolate at all anymore. (i'm usually too full to think of food!! lol) but the nicest thing is, that now i will allow myself to eat anything, i don't crave it like a madwoman all the time! If i want dessert after dinner, i will have it, and if i don't then i won't simples!! :) i never believed that not eating enough could affect your way of thinking so much, but it's incredible!! I really have felt a big difference now that i eat normally. I would encourage all who want to recover to start the day with a satisfying bowl of cereal such as shredded wheat or alpen museli, a not too scary lunch could be baked potato with whatever topping you feel comfortable with (i like tuna and sweetcorn or baked beans) then snack on fruit or yogurt, have a nice dinner you feel comfortable eating and see how you feel :)
It will be the start of a new, healthy beginning :) ...minus the baked beans i guess lol