Like mother like daughter?

Okay, so i loooovve my mum, shes lovely, warm, kind...but also a little bit fat :-/ i mean, she loves her biscuits and buttery snacks, i feel HORRIBLE saying this, but i remember looking at her when i was at my highest (pretty damn normal) weight, and thinking, god i hope i dont look like that...ever!
I think it's true that a girl inherits her mothers general body shape, aka - big boobs, pear shape, big bum. And unluckily for me, my mums an apple shape grrr!! But i do A LOT of stomach excercises to try and avoid it, but it does seem to be the place i put weight on :(
But don't fear!! lol, keep in mind that different excercises can make a huge difference...i know my friend feels really self concious about her bum because her mum has a rather large derriere ;) and she told me she didnt want o look the same, 4 weeks worth of squats later, the girl had a butt like j-lo haha!
< destined to have the same body? Lindsay Lohan and her mum
here is an interesting site, considering the connesction between weight, mothers and daughters!...
http://www.webmd.com/skin-beauty/features/the-mother-daughter-weight-connection

Exams!!

Anorexia and other eating disorders can affect people of every age, sex and race...but it seems to mainly be teenage girls that develop it, and during this time most of the are going through exams, such as GCSE's or A levels, and i was just thinking today that i was so annoyed with my first a level results i got from my january exams, i though i would have done better than i actually did, but then it occured to me, maybe it was down to me not eating, i vaguely remember always being tired and un-interested in lessons and never really listening because all i thought about was food....made me so angry with myself, how dare i mess up my own future by not eating! Yet another reason i came up with for striving to recover..
If your reading this, and you too have exams or important work that needs real thought and concerntration to get done, make sure you are giving your body everything it needs to support that! Think oily fish (salmon) and lots and lots and LOTS of water, and just ensure your getting enough calories through out the weeks leading upto your exams - thank me in your nobel prize speech ;) oh and good luck if you do have exams REVISE!! ;) xxxx
< eat well and revise - just like ralph ;)

Julie & Julia - Le Film ;)

So i have just watched the lovely film Julie & Julia, a foodie film based on the ledgendary cook Julia Childs. It is about a woman in her late 20's who feels like she has finised nothing in her life and wants to do something, anything! So she decides to start a blog (yay! :D lol) and aims to do every single recipe in Julia Childs cook book in 365 days, and yes theres about 500-600 recipes!! The film also flips to an earlier time when Julia Child is living the dream in Paris, and learing to cook but also aiming to get her 'french cooking for americans' book published, with the help of her charming husband (the fab gay guy from the devil wears prada)
This was a heart-warming film about how food seems to save people in so many ways, and bring so much fun and spark into their lives...i thought it would be good for all those in recovery to watch because again it sends out that important message that food is safe, and brings people together...it also highlights that an obsession with it can make you a recluse and you have to find the right balance, a passion for food is good, if you want to be a chef in particular...but an obsession is just plain mental haha
Plus it's really funny and light hearted, and has incredible performances by amy adams and meyrl streep :) it's a must see in my eyes!! If you watch it tell me what you think! I love hearing from all of you :) xxxxx

Have a family day out

Have you noticed your relationship with your friends and family getting worse and worse as your eating disorder gets worse? I realised i was shutting everybody out and secluding myself more and more, because having a social life meant having to eat. It's so sad that i chose the wrong option all the time.
Ever since starting recovery i have become so much closer to all the people i love again :) i don't feel tense about having to go to my dads house anymore and now always look forward to it, but before i used to feel genuine fear because he always cooks heavy carb/fat loaded meals, now i have seconds! ;)
I love going on family days out now too :) on sundays i really enjoy going for walks with my funny little brothers and my family then go for a good ol' pub lunch afterwards...i have realised its so much easier to cope with recovery when you realise what actually important in life and you try to enjoy all the normal activitys that all your family do with ease, such as eating well!!
Maybe try suggesting a nice day out to a nice village, or shopping centre or even the beach! (not if you live where i live though, too cold lol)
Give it a go, it might give you that realisation it gave me, and bring you and your family back together :) xxxx

Peppermint Tea :)

Don't know about you, but i have struggled with bloating for a loooong time haha, i never used to have it, but when i started eating low fat EVERYTHING, i looked really bloated all the time.
Ever since i have started eating fats again, my stomach has actually looked a lot flatter, blooming irony haha, but i still eat a ton of fruit and vegetables because eventhough i want to gain, i want to be healthy and get my 5 a day too! but eating lots of thesefoods can also make you look and feel very bloated, but worry not, i have found the answer!!
good ol' peppermint tea :) it settles the stomach and helps with bloating, hope this helps some other poor puffy stomach out there! haha have a lovely week everyone xxx

Seeing everything with new eyes...

Ever since January my relationship with food has been good. Good for a recovering anorexic anyway :-/ I feel like i have gone through 3 stages in my life with food, the first was i just eat what i want, when i want without thinking about it, the second was don't eat anything. It will make you fat, but now i think i have developed the best relationship with food than i have ever had, now i eat well, nothings 'off limits' but don't binge eat either, i eat when i'm hungry and eat what i'm given, but more importantly, i enjoy food now and appriciate it, because i know what it's like to deprive myself of it.
I always said to myself, 'I wish i could just go back to how i was before, when i just didn't care.' I still feel like that occasionally, because sometimes i do struggle when faced with an extremly high calorie dish, but actually i didn't enjoy food that much before, i just ate it because it was there, now i feel happier with who i am and my approach to everything.
It's just like that saying, things have to get worse before they get better, anorexia being my worst possible low, and recovery being the ultimate high!

Another DELICIOUS breakfast idea!! :D

My mum came back from ASDA with some special K sustain cereal, because she said the other ones were out of stock, but turns out its gorgeous!! 1g of fat per 45g serving which isn't enough for me anymore! so i mixed it with natural yogurt, flaked almonds and a little natural honey...honestly had a mouthgasm lol!! really worth trying, remember you need to start seeing food as enjoyable again!! Its so much easier to make a good relationship with food again when you really enjoy it!!! (might try with some chopped banana next time too?? mmmm yumm!!!)
< my new favourite haha

Go Sushi!!

I had sushi for lunch yesterday :) NOM!! lol...i had about 10 pieces or so overall and was STUFFED. It gave me an idea for todays post!! It was the first time in a while where i felt like i hadn't eaten much but got full quickly!
Sushi is a grrreeat healthy option, especially the ones topped with a slice of salmon or prawn, yum yum! hey the soy sauce has a lot of sodium but what the hell its yummy!
I think sushi is a great option if you want to try new foods, but can't face huge mac'n'cheese type meals yet...it's a groovy way to ease yourself in and might kindle your relationship with food back again! have fun, and don't listen to your mother PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD!! (especially if you can't use chopsticks ;) lol)

Books

Ever since i was little,i have always loved reading and writing, reading a book is amazing to me, it means you can escape from the rest of the world and ignore any problems you may have been having that day and just discover a new way of thinking. I love that, when you finish a book and then feel like you have learned something from it :) heres some of my favourites...
The Messenger - Markus Zusak, funny fast paced thriller about a guy unlucky in love and life, turns out anyone can make a difference.
Play Dead - Harlan Coben, another thriller!! about gorgeous supermodel who's husband goes missing, but so much more than that reeeaally going on!! :)

ahhh Harry Potter books!! by J. K. Rowling :) what better way to escape the world than by taking a visit to hogwarts?

Girls Under Pressue - Jacqueline Wilson , classic (for me lol) about ellie, who feels too fat so starts dieting like crazy and you follow her real and disruptive journey, but dont worry has a happy ending!!

Comfort Foods?

Heyy :) i realised something funny today, i never panic about having pudding at college? Everytime dessert is mentioned at home, calorie counting goes TING in my head, but at college i'm like, 'awrh come ooon, that's a tiny slice!!' hehe ;) i think because i have NO IDEA how many calories are in them, they brighten up my looong days at college, and their flipping delicious!! lol i don't struggle eating them? It made me think that maybe we all have foods that aren't low in fat or calories, but we find them easier to eat than others? For example, i still hate eating chocolate, really aggrivates me :/ working on that!! My advice is eat what you like, then you will find it easier, and won't regret it!
If you do have a certain food that isn't low calorie that you feel comfortable eating, maybe try and eat more of that food? might ease you in :) my comfort foods that i just DON'T CARE what the calorie content are...

School Puddings! lol
Stir frys - (peanuts are a good addition for texture, flavour and GOOD fats)
Beef Stew - mum makes the BEST ONE EVER lol
Greek food - such as chicken soulvlaki, greek salad, pita bread, tzatziki etc xxx

Vitamin Supplements

I take a multi vitamin everyday, and i also take iron tablets because my iron count is low down to how much ideprived myself before :-/ but it's going up :D lol
anyway, my post today is about taking vitamin supplements, yes i think it's a good idea, and it's wonderful for helping you with your recovery becauseyour body really really needs all those nutrients! However, to actually absorb all these vitamins you must must MUST eat a varied diet. And also one with good amounts of calories and fats in it, otherwise the vitamins simply won't be absorbed and won't make a difference i'm afraid :(
I have noticed my skin and hair has drastically improved, i think it's down to eating right and well, plus taking my good ol' multivitamin everyday!! lol have a lovely weekend everyone :) hopefully it's sunnier where you are than where i am...sigh have to get my vitamin D from a pill and not the sun :( xxxx

Always feeling Angry...(poem)

I first felt angry because i felt too fat.
I felt angry because i felt i couldn't lose weight.
I felt angry because i couldn't resist.
Then, I felt angry because i never ate.

I felt angry because no one understood.
I felt angry because no matter how little i ate i never looked or felt any good.

I felt angry because i looked too thin, couldn't fit into clothes...
couldn't let anyone in.

I felt angry all the time.
Then i ate...then i felt fine.

Random short poem i made, i realised today that i was so angry because no matter what, with anoreixa i never actually achieved anything worth achieving. Once you have lost all the weight, whats left? Nothing. That's the scary thing...

Life's too short...

I was thinking today how crazy it is to concerntrate on food sooo much? I have my A level exams coming up, and i was sitting there in the lesson thinking about lunch, i mean honestly i have wasted most of this past year just thinking about food, when it comes down to it, theres sooo much more to life, food is just meant to be the fuel that keeps us going. Yes i understand that having a job such as a chef would make you think about food more than the average person...but i'm not a chef!! lol From now on i promised myself i am going to throw myself into mywork (very behind :-/ ) and just get on with it, although food is your friend, not the enemy, it's not human either and shouldn't take up so much brain space! Think about that gorgeous boy that lives down the street or your favorite program! I don't know if anyone thinks about food as much as i do, but i'm trying to stop now...life's just too short!!

Your Amazing, and this is why!

The fact that you have even considered to look at this blog is one thing, even CONSIDERING recovery makes you incredibly strong. The only way to describe it is like snow white trying to defeat the hulk...i think recovering from and eating disorder is harder than people think, some say 'why don't you just eat.' That's ridiculous. These disorders are about the mind and (in my opinion) conquering your own mind is quite possibly one of the hardest things imaginable.
But possible.
You can recover from this, but you need to want to with everything you've got. Your amazing for taking this on, and i hope each and every one of you beat your deamons ass and find happiness again :)

                                                        

xxxx

Look it's you!! Not that your square or anything.....(bad joke sorry, couldn't resist lol)

How many Calories do you need?

I was so confused when it came to how many calories i was meant to be consuming per day, kept hearing so many different things! To be honest i still struggle to fully understand it all lol but this calculator i found on the internet and it seems to be the most accurate, i have been told things from 1,600 to 2,770 calories!! lol
http://walking.about.com/cs/calories/l/blcalcalc.htm
heres the link to the calculator i used, i got 1,770 to maintain, so i try to eat around 2,000 everyday to make sure i gain...hope this helps you get a better idea of how much you need!! xxx

Stop thinking about it...

At the start of recovery, i was told to keep a food diary and write down everything i ate and how it made me 'feel' doctors also told me to not concerntrate on food...contredictive maybe?!! lol so i did the food diary, but it drove me bonkers!! i think if you have any chance of recovering you need to not put so much emphasis on what you eat etc...i'm now at the stage where i can actually eat something and wait for it....forget i've eaten it :-O i haven't done that in a very, very, VERY long time lol
I have also figured out a way to handle high fat/calorie meals...for example yesterday for lunch my stepmum made heaps of pasta with a chicken and mushroom sauce made with extra thick double cream, when i saw that ad to say i panicked a bit...but you need to take it one step at a time. So had the plate in front of me, started eating, and it tasted good, then the grated cheese was passed around and i added some, i ended up having more cheese than everyone else AND ate some of my dads pasta :) step by step does the trick, and NEVER EVER FEEL GUILTY FOR EATING. your body deserves it now, it's been deprived for too long!! xxxx

Gain Muscle...not Fat

Gaining weight is the scariest thing possible for someone recovering from anorexia, it feels utterly unnatural, which is why it's better to gain muscle and not fat because then you will look, and feel better about gaining...and muscle weighs more than fat, so actually yourweight will be higher without you looking as big. Good foods to build muscle are, nuts and meat, this is because they contain protein which is essential for muscle gain. If your really struggling, the you could always pick up a muscle building powder that you can add to your porridge, milk or smoothies.
Annoyingly, building muscle can be hard work, and you need to dedicate yourself to excercising your muscles, but remember, if your excercising and trying to GAIN at the same time, you must eat more to make it mean anything. you must also avoid cardio excercises such as running and cycling, because they just burn fat and make you loose weight.
I must say i'm not too dedicated which is why its very frustrating when i eat LOADS but look like i'm actually losing weight but it's actually because i'm losing muscle that i made last week...need to start working out again hahaha
good luck everyone!! get those muscles pumping xxxx

Family xxx

I'm going away for a few days to visit the ol' family!! I haven't seen them in ages and i suddenly feel very nervous at the thought of them seeing me? Just because i have lost so much weight since they last saw me i dont want them too look at me in disgust and worry :-/ thats when you know you've gone too far...when people look at you with a look of disgust....although i've gained weight i'm still really thin and look a bit too gaunt.
I think you need to recover for yourself and for no one else, because in the end the only  thing that will get you through it is that you care enough about yourself to get better. But along the way i have realsied getting better and healthier also relaxes and puts my entire family at ease, i'm doing this for me, but the fact that i am stopping my family worrying at the same time is just another thing keeping me going :) anorexia is an isolated, selfish disorder...it's only once you start to break out of it you realise that xxx

Letting Go...

I have learned one of the things i must overcome to beat anorxia once and for all, i need to not be in control. It's been pretty hard these past few days to be honest because i have had to make my own breakfasts and lunches, (god i sound pathetic lol) but that amount of control is too much for someone in recovery...it meant my mind is thinking about food ALL THE TIME, what shouldi have for lunch? what has too many/little calories? what time am i having dinner? it's driving me insane...i still find it very hard to allow myself to go out without having eaten lunch i have made myself, because it means i'm either forced to get something when i'm out or nothing at all (which is NOT an option) and it's hard to find anything that isn't covered in grease or loaded with salt and fat. But i need to learn to let go...control is one of the things that really pins down my ED...and i just hate having it now, because i can't handle the control. My dad made me a B.L.T the other week, heavy with the bacon, mayo, and butter :-/ i almost exploded watching him make it, but i ate it and you know what...i'm still alive lol

< ok this isnt my dad lol but proves my point of someone else cooking!

Moral of this muddled post is, learn to let go and allow parents/friends/macdonalds guy to make you meals, it's one of the biggest hardest steps to make, but if your going to recover, your going to have to not be in control anymore.

Low Fat Food Facts

I swore by low fat yogurts, cheese and cakes if i ever allowed myself to eat them. But actually i have recently discovered eating these lower fat versions are much worse for you overall than the full fat kinds.
For one thing, they don't make you feel as full, so your inclined to eat more later, and you also allow yourself to eat more later because you think 'i'ts okay, the yogurt i ate before was low fat'
Another downside to low fat products is that things like yogurt and cakes replace the fat with heaps of sugar, which in the end converts itself into bad fats.

One of the most suprising things i found out though, was that high calorie, low fat diets make you look very bloated, and for a recovering anorexic this is lethal...you think your getting fat eventhough your eating low fat foods, which therefore makes you even more afraid of higher fat products and makes you avoid them even more...vicious cycle.

However, lean cuts of meat etc are often much better for you, but that just common sense!! lol

I also believe i appriciate what i'm eating more when it is full fat, because i ay more attention to it if you know what i mean? lol And lets face it, the full fat versions just taste better!!
But the most important thing about buying full fat and not lower fat versions for someone recovering from an eating disorder is that your making a concious step towards recovering, and with every full-fat bite, your kicking your ED's ass xxx